The Impossible Possibility

Chapter Two

The Tasks of Grieving

A task is not only a job but an assigned job one cannot get out of. On a mundane level, I can help someone paint a room but I am helping willingly. It is not a task that has been assigned that I must do. There are tasks assigned to us during grief that we cannot get out of. An example would be; accepting the reality of the Loss. What does this mean?

First we must set the foundation for where we are in our life. None of us are comfortable with grief nor is it normal to be. Grief is not a natural way to live or think so it automatically does not feel like home. We may have moments where we become self-conscious thinking we are just not handling it right. It is awkward and we find ourselves looking for the right way to do it. The bottom line is, There Is No “right” or “wrong” way to do it when it comes to grieving. You are an individual with your own personality and you have learned to handle life in your own way. Never compare yourself with the way someone else is grieving and never allow others to impose their beliefs of how to grieve on you.

There are different cultures, traditions, doctrines, faiths and to add to all of that personalities. As mentioned earlier, sometimes the most insensitive things are said based on those differences. Perhaps someone says that you have to move on and be strong three months after your loved one passes. Maybe someone tells you that you need to clean and get rid of their things and get them out of your house because after all, it has already been six months. Maybe someone tells you they did not make it to heaven because they committed suicide or, they say you should thank God because they are in a better place. Then there is, again, the, “rejoice, they are with the Lord”. Granted, they all mean well but that does not help your grieving heart and mind. It does not make it easier for you and in some cases can apply so much sadness and/or pressure that it sets you back. While it is important not to deviate from the purpose of this writing, it is important that the point is made. People blunder again and again when it comes to the subject of life, death and grief.

One of the first tasks we are faced with is, not allowing the impositions of others to dictate our healing path and to allow ourselves to go through it our way. On the day of the funeral everyone is there it seems and although you sometimes wish you were alone, your thankful you are not. Generally, for a few days even weeks you hear from people and suddenly, silence. Every once in a while you have an exception to the rule and one or two in your life will check on you a little more often nonetheless, you are faced with tasks that you never saw coming. How will you get through this season in your life? Almost abruptly you and grief begin to get acquainted. This is now coupled with self-discovery as you learn about yourself and even if you thought you knew everything about your departed loved one, you rehearse life with them and learn more about them. This usually unfolds differently and unidentifiably for everyone.

One of the eye-openers that can be ignored but with time not denied is that you and others in your life will inevitably make the mistake of thinking that the only thing you are grieving is the loss of your loved one however it is much deeper. You are grieving the part of you that was lost when you lost them. Regardless of the relationship some things will change. Literally it can be like an arm was ripped away and that arm was a part of who you were when you still had them. I am no longer a daughter because I have lost my parents whom I had a very close and healthy relationship with. Another may say, I am no longer a wife or a husband, a sister or a brother, a parent or a life time friend. Through this loss you have lost not only who you were with them in your life but your role in your life for them and their life for you. We learn to identify with our roles so we grieve that we feel a change within us. This of course may (or not) lead one into feeling useless or inadequate. This is where the new normal must settle in down the road and, it will. You are now grieving losing some of yourself. Others in your life may not realize that your loss is far more dimensional than they think. Perhaps this new you is frightened and you may find yourself for a time lacking self-confidence. On top of all that your life style must change. Whether it is financial, social, or family related you are faced with the changes that must be made and all the while grieving. Maybe you feel so alone that you do not feel secure or safe. Perhaps simply the loss of your past seems overwhelming. Friends may behave differently around you and when you make new friends they never knew your loved one and that precipitates a feeling of betraying the past. Maybe your dreams are shattered because they included your loved one. Getting through these things cannot be put into a stage of grief, it travels through the entire grieving and healing journey with you and thank God it does because if it did not we would not experience the readjustment needed. These are part of our tasks through grief. These feelings are not stages, they are tasks, assigned whether we like it or not.

Our loved ones are not coming back. This may sound somewhat abrupt but this realization is a must in order for one to go to the next step. Allow yourself to go through the emotions from the pain of your loss. It is imperative that you acknowledge what you are feeling in order to get through it. Do not allow others to tell you how this works, including this or any other book. Do not be afraid of feeling what you feel.