Secrets in the Garden

…the sexual images in her mind encompasses her day to day living. Even with every breath she takes. Her mind wanders like a teenager who forgot to take their Adderall medication that just cannot seem to focus. She cannot help but fantasize about exploring men in different ways and exploring all her wild fantasies with multiple men. Suzette’s mind constantly fantasizes about sexual explorations, and she has five distinct fantasies that plague her mind, and sometimes cloud her vision. For years her fantasies would encompass her, as her husband is the only man she knows. The man she considers her one and only true boyfriend. Now many years later, in a rut she questions if what she has done is the right thing. Could it be, she lived her life as the good girl and now feels the need to unleash the inner freak. What has she done, has she done the right thing, or only what she believed was right? The virgin wife, who only wanted one man, her husband of 25 years. The man whom she knows every move and can determine what that move will be without even thinking. But in knowing that every move has made her life too boring and too complacent. She is about to turn 50 and reflecting on her life every day. Her husband is the perfect man, the man she has dreamed of and prayed for. The man she has saved herself for, and would do anything for, and he for her. The man that taught her a trick or two, and whose dick fits perfectly in her vagina. The way it bends with a slight curve, always intrigued her and excited her as it enters and even when he pulls out.
There is a reason why women in their 40’s are said to reach their sexual peak, needing more and more. Growing up and exploring was always different for males and females. It was okay for boys to explore and play with sexual curiosities and fulfill their urges and sexual desires. The more partners a man had, the better his reputation. For a woman, the expectation was to be sweet, pure and innocent. Society’s expectation was much different for women. For Suzette, she valued not only her reputation, but also what her parents expected and what God commanded. As a result, now as a married woman with limited experiences, this peak and sense of sexual fulfillment had yet to be fully explored. Her curiosity has gotten the better of her. She longs for that comparison, and continuously questions if she did the right thing, by saving herself for her husband. As a result, she needs more. She even wonders if there is more, as she has nothing to which to compare.
Suzette has always considered herself sexually satisfied. She is not afraid to be the one who will explore and will do things to spice it up. She has explored sex toys, role play, lingerie, and even a little slapping every now and again. But there is always that feeling of what she may have missed. As a woman matures they become more in touch with their own bodies and want and need more of a sexual explosion every day, not just on Sundays. Hell, even God wants you to celebrate and worship him all the time, not just on the Sabbath. Suzette is just that woman. She has spent her teenage years preparing herself for a husband, following God’s commandments and the parental expectations of being a “good girl.” Even distancing herself from friends that chose to be sexually active during high school and college. She enjoyed listening to their stories of sexual conquests, and even though she was intrigued by the stories and by her friend’s sexual conquests, she would never ever think about having sex with anyone until she was married. She prepped herself by never allowing herself to become too attached to any man in that way.
Suzette was a beautiful girl, she was sexy and had all the curves in all the right places. She was so beautiful, some may have considered her a tease, as it made no sense for someone to be built like that not to share it. The men tended to flock to her and they were really captured by her striking appearance. She was very attractive, had a nice shape and a smile that could light up a room. Her eyes caught the attention of the most popular and athletic men, and her attitude and personality made them want her even more. She was a challenge to them, and didn’t put up with nonsense nor the disrespect. Since her reputation wasn’t that of those that were very promiscuous, she was usually the best friend type. Those that did manage to actually date her, she would break up with, before sex even entered the conversation.
While Suzette is grounded in her faith, she has seemed to backslide, and only have fantasies of lust in her heart. She has been praying for the lust to be removed, however her eyes and ears have been closed to God’s continuous whispers. She is stuck in a place where she is fighting for the love her family, her faith, and years for the excitement lust and fantasies bring. These thoughts continue to cloud her mind and her judgment. For once, Suzette doesn’t want to be the “good girl.” She want to wants to let loose and let her inhibitions flow, and pray about it later. Suzette has crossed the threshold, into dangerous territories and does not see it.
This behavior went on for years, she was focused and never lost sight of that focus. But now that focus seems to be on sex, the sex she wonders about. Hell everyone was getting it and everyone had it. Suzette’s struggle lies within her addiction and her vanity was her lustful heart and mind. She struggles with her journey and her testimony is a simple love story evolving through God’s grace and guidance.
In the story, Secrets in the Garden, Suzette relives her past in college. She relives past relationships, and the unique friendships with her college girlfriends. In reminiscing of her past, she opens up doors of sexual frustration, elicit fantasies and personal struggles she wasn’t prepare to face. Suzette’s journey of life, love, lust, addiction and faith can only be told through Secrets in the Garden.