There are those things that we want to know; things that we should know; things that should have been told to us and things that we wished had never come into our lives.
At the very conception of his birth he was echoed as a blessing, a euphony spoken in his mother's ears. To her, he was to be her long sought after bequest, her melodic blessing. But to some he was a muttered sinful abomination that should not come to pass. He was not supposed to be, at least, not in this manner, at this time, at this moment. His birth marked an era of un-profound understanding, an ominous beginning for those already cradled in his unforeseen and unknowing life. Even as he formed in her womb, his mother, the one who creased her belly, spoke secret whispers that only she and he would ever know. Secrets that would one day shake the very foundation of our family, changing the balance of weakness and fear, love and commitment, hate, confusion, anger and spirituality. Nothing nor anyone would ever exist as he did. And never would there come a time when the word of God had ever been so misconstrued, tainted or vile in the eyes and ears of a child.
November 1961, an unseasonably warm morning resonating quietness lye still. The change in the atmosphere could not begin to explain the approaching revelation as the future, foraging ever so slowly was beginning to take its place. A caveat of anomalous ill-omened occurrences over the past nine months emerged unexplainable by ordinary standards as mere mishaps. In the mist of March just as spring should have been awakening across the land, freezing rain and ice blanketed the town causing farmers to delay in the preparation of their fields. In April, relentless thunderstorms swept across the city causing the Arkansas River to flood and break through the levies destroying homes and uprooting families. In May, three homes of old family friends were destroyed by unexplained fires. One of them killing my grandfather’s oldest and dearest friend. In June seven expecting mothers, one after another, gave birth to still-born children; all of them boys. Concealed merciful pleas ascended from the mouths of those who under normal circumstances would have never beseeched His presence as speculations of an unknowing, falling upon an unknowing, scurried through homes terrifying would be mothers. July, a time when crops should have been at their peak, summer heat all but scorched the fields leaving very little to be harvested. Day after day, night after knight, time after time, someone close to our family died. In this time, fallacies and superstitions were as real as the air we breathe, the water we drank or the racism that was even more common.
On this day the sounds that shrieked through our four bedroom house pierced the very soul of those assembled. My five younger sisters had been hurried down the road to stay with my father’s mother, grandmother Katie. No doubt had they been within the distances of the mother's intense pain and screeching befalling from her mouth, they too would have pleaded for the death of this child. I being the eldest sister for reasons I dare not understood was ordered to stay by my mother’s mother, grandmother Maldonia to assist her where needed. I, until to this very day believe that I was forced to bear witness to the horrific display of the spearing out of life. Although I had watched mother give birth to my youngest sister, such display of pain and whaling all but made me fearful of having children of my own. Although I was immersed in fear, I did as my grandmother said without question. She, grandmother was to me my one and only true friend. For some reason, the connecting between us seemed much different than that of her and my sisters. Embodying and embracing the ancestral spirits of her Indian and African heritage, my grandmother Maldonia, knelt at mother's bedside, chanting words that I had never heard and wiping the sweat as it decant from my mother’s drenched face. Grandmother was said to possess a soul even older than her own and the ability to reckon with the spirit realm and respected its power. I believed that she had foreseen this day and pleaded with the spirits to not allow it to come to pass as she was aware of what impious deed this day would bring. It was told to me that in her early year’s life had been cruel to her. She had felt the bitterness of death which had turned her once luminous white hair into what was now pallid. She continued to live on even after all her sisters died. And of the children she raised all of them except for mother, her first born, had been carried on at an early age before her. Like grandmother, this too would have been her seventh time birthing live into this world as it was for her grandmother before here. It was known that our family lineage was to bear girl jewels. Even in that, it was the first born to outlive them all. "A mother should not outlive her children." grandmother once told me. Yet it was her curse, as she believed, to outlive hers. With each passing of her children as the earth covered them a diminutive piece of her was covered along with them. "Never question his workings child," grandmother told me, "His will will be done. For as sure as you are born, you shall one day die."
Grandmother was aware of this child’s birth before the conception ever took place. She had seen it in her visions as she had been privy to visions of each of the births of her grandchildren and I believe the death of us as well. As clear as one could observe through a window, she had seen the faces and gender of each of us and had felt our spirits. Mother told me how grandmother would tell her where each of our birthmarks would be or the texture of our hair and the hue of our skin. However, the murky visions of this would be male child were deceptive in appearance and left her mortified. Not once but several dawdling times did they appear to her; each of them the same; illusive. I overheard grandmother telling mother that not one time was had this child’s face been made clear to her. She knew it had to be but for what purpose, what reasoning this anomaly had for reaching into the now, she was not aware of. Months of burning of incenses and incantations, reading of smokes, prayers, and beseeching, continued without reply or clarity. Signs and abnormalities that were easily visible remained indefinable for her. And the secrets that escaped her tongue entering into mother's ear went unheeded. Although aware grandmother’s abilities, mother was not receptive of her ways. She had for long time past, abandoned grandmother’s promotions.
Eagerly grandmother prayed in an attempt to ward off the evil presence encamped about the room in an effort to ease and comfort her daughter’s pain. However this early day was not willing to give way to Maldonia’s supplications.
I stood at the door holding torn rags, while Beulah, mother's one and only friend and the midwife, a feeble old woman only in appearance who had assisted in the delivery of each of us and numerous other children up and down this rocky road appeared baffled. I believe that they had never participated in a birth that seemed that it did not wish to be. Before attempting to assist in this birth, I overheard grandmother making the old lady swear never to repeat what she saw or heard on this day. “Whatever you see here this day, will remain here. Whatever you hear this day is never to be uttered again. For the day you do you will be marked and the spirits will fail to notice you.” She, herself was as old and as grandmother but did not possess the spiritual wisdom as her old friend. Well aware of the Maldonia’s ability to connect with those beyond this life. She on several occasions had made use of Maldonia’s power, her touch and her wisdom.