The ‘tis Bottle

The curtain rises and the lights come up in a comfortable living room, where an old man is sitting in a big comfortable chair reading the daily paper.  Suddenly seven children rush in and excitedly ask, “Grandpa, will you tell us THE story again.”

The old man chuckles and says, “Ok, gather around my children!”  He reaches to his side to an end table where there is a large oversized worn book.  He lifts the book but before he opens it he says…

“This is a story that happened not long ago, in a place not too far away.  Like most stories it has a beginning, middle and an end“.  With that said, he carefully opens the book and starts to read.

Our story is about a very rich man.  He was so rich he had everything he wanted and more.  Being so rich he had done everything there is to do and he was bored with life.  His name was Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor).  Being bored, he called his closest advisors and asked them to come up with something new and different he could do.

The advisors started suggesting ideas, but alas, Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had done every single thing they suggested.  For FOUR days… count them… Three, Two, One, Four, they tried to find something Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had not done.

Finally in desperation, one of the advisors suggested having a contest, inviting the public to suggest things that maybe, just maybe Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had not done.  Also, to get people excited about the idea, a first prize of ONE MILLION dollars would be offered.  This of course was pocket money to Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor), him being so rich and all.

Together they decided that they would put a FULL page advertisement in every single newspaper in the world, including the {insert the name of a local weekly paper} announcing the contest.  The prize of ONE MILLION dollars would be awarded to anyone that could find something that Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had not done.

Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) hired a staff to program a super computer with all the things he had already done so when the contest entries came they could check it without bothering him.  For two weeks a team of thousands programmed the computer with everything Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had done, and soon mail started coming by the truck load.  Each entry was entered into the computer, but alas, Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had already done it.  

Every story has to have a hero and ours is no different.  The grandpa asked the kids, “Do you remember who our hero is?”  They all answered together “Our Hero, Just Plain Joe”.   “That is correct” said the grandpa and continued to read.

Times were tough for Our Hero, Just Plain Joe.  He did not have a job, nor did he have a home, nor did he have a family, nor did he have any money.  Our Hero, Just Plain Joe was so poor; he did not even have a curb to fall off of.  Our Hero, Just Plain Joe saw the ad in an old newspaper he was using for a blanket and it occurred to him that he might know just what Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) might not have done.  The problem was that Our Hero, Just Plain Joe did not have paper or a pen.  He did not have postage to mail the entry. But as all heroes do, he found a way.  He found an old paper bag on which he wrote with a piece of charcoal the following words: ‘Have you ever collected ‘tis bottles’?’

Our Hero, Just Plain Joe put the paper in a mail box and hoped it would get to Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor).  As luck would have it, the local postman figured out that the question was for Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) and forwarded it to the contest address, postage due.  After paying the postage, a simple clerk took the scrap of paper and entered the question into the computer.

Suddenly, bells and whistles went off.  Lights started blinking and sirens started blaring.  At long last they had found something that Elmer J. Schmo (who makes J. Paul Getty look poor) had not done.  He had never COLLECTED ‘TIS BOTTLES.