Excuse Me Waiter, but There’s a Flyswatter in My Soup

COLORFUL LESSONS

Peeing yellow, peeing green

Now peeing red and blue

Peeing purple, peeing black

Then brown and orange too.

I should have known that this would happen

But my conscience was too faint

So I guess I’ve learned the hard way

Do not drink the pretty paints.

HODGEPODGE

A chunk of pig’s ear

A piece of his rear

And maybe a sliver of snout.

A hip or a knee

Some lips and belly

And a part of the rump, I don’t doubt.

A portion of tails

And maybe some nails

Coming off of that dirty old hog.

‘Cuz they’re leaving no waste

Knowing you’ll love the taste

Of the things they’ve put in your hot dog.

DISSECTION DAY BLUES

Today in school I have biology

Which is the one class that I dread

Because the last time we had dissection day

My piglet wasn't dead.

I was sitting there minding my business

Talking with my good buddy, Tye

When all of a sudden, as I glanced down

Piggy had opened his eyes.

Thinking that it was nothing more than a trick

I got closer so that I could see

Then proving that all of my instincts were wrong

He suddenly winked up at me.

I glanced over at Tye to see if he’d noticed 

But he was now busy talking to Jean

So with no one there to support my odd claim

I began doubting just what I had seen.

I finally concluded his muscle just twitched

So I lowered my knife for a cut

Then with a scream I could barely contain

My piglet began to sit up!

I looked up to see if anyone noticed 

But they were all busy cutting their own

And just when this day couldn’t be any weirder

The pig asked could he please use my phone.

With my jaw hanging open I handed it over

Not even considering to stall

Because for truth to be told, I was curious

Just to whom would my piglet now call?

As he started to dial, I lowered my head 

For a better advantage to hear

But turning his back, he then faced away

So what he was saying was not very clear.

Careful and silent, I bent down again 

And was shocked at just what I had heard

I quickly realized I had misjudged the character 

Of this pink, little, slippery turd.

Turns out he was calling his lawyer 

Because he was angry and willing to fight

Apparently he felt we were breaking the law

And violating his God-given rights.

He whispered some more and hung up the phone

Then handed it back politely

Then lying back in the tray and closing his eyes

Not a word did he say back to me.

Now I was confused and didn’t know what to do

Especially after all that I’d seen

I didn’t feel comfortable dissecting him now

To me that seemed heartless and mean.

So I sat quietly and just simply stared at my pig

Who once more, quite appeared to be dead

And with no one close to state otherwise

I again wondered, had it been in my head.

Just when I thought that it must be a dream

I heard commotion outside in the hall

Government Officials were coming my way

Surely a result of my pig’s desperate call.

Before I could even explain what went down

I was cuffed and hauled right off to jail

And as if I had butchered him into pork-chops

I was denied even the option of bail.

Ten minutes later, in front of the judge

I said “I never even made the first cut”

But I was told that when dealing with animals’ rights

Even intentions to harm were enough.

So a half an hour later, and with ticket in hand

I was finally allowed out of court

But now at 13, I have a felony for life

One for trying to make shredded pork!

And that brings us here, that was 2 months ago

And it’s dissection day now, yet again

My Mom wouldn’t write an excusal for me 

And I’m scared of going back to the pen.

I look at my frog lying motionless there

As I release my held breath with a sigh

And just when I think the worse is now over

Froggie opens up both of his eyes!