Voices of Resilience:

The theme is resilience and the goal behind this book idea is to reflect resilience stories, first from elementary school-aged students and later from adults. “Always remember, keep your head up high. We can make it through these tough times.” One elementary school-aged student wrote this to a close friend in her class. Within a month, a chef, who along with his wife ran a catering business in the area, shared the comment that health, family, and friends are the three most important things in life. He stressed the importance of maintaining focus on things that we can accomplish, to follow through with those, and to let go of stresses we often have no control over in the first place. His example of resilient decision-making is a value for all of us.

A long-time friend, Syb, told a story from her childhood. Once her stepdad returned home from the service, her Sunday afternoon movie outing was no longer allowed. Over time, movies started to appear on television, and her parents watched movies at home on Sundays. When Syb, as an outspoken child, asked about the discrepancy between her non-movie attendance and her parents watching movies at home on Sundays, her parents did not have an answer for her. Syb used this experience in shaping a part of her own approach in life. She strives to ask and answer questions straightforwardly and is conscious of not muddying the waters with vague ideas. She gets right to the point as much as possible; this approach demonstrates a strong sense of resilience.

Encouraging a friend, prioritizing what is most important, speaking up for oneself, and making the effort to clarify your own ideas to others are examples of resilience in action. Several storytellers described one or more of these approaches and explained how these behaviors helped them.

A professional who worked with both children and young adults, all with some distress in their histories, expressed the importance of fulfilling commitments and responsibilities as part of developing resilience. His example touched on the lives of children making their way through difficulties. They need care and support; at the same time, they must learn to take responsibility regarding behaviors and boundaries. Their life’s difficulties must not become crutches that foster dependence and make excuses. These difficulties best serve as an obstacle to deal with and learn from, as part of life’s challenges, on the road to a productive life.

Two young adults shared a story from their junior high and high school years. They lived in a busy urban environment, questioned, and challenged their parents and teachers about everything. They became friendly with the owner of a small music store in the local area. He knew how to listen, really listen. In between normal work responsibilities, he challenged them, helped clarify and define what the kids were upset about, suggested topics to bring up at home, and ways to talk with teachers and parents. This continued for a long time and affected the lives of quite a few teens. When I heard this story, I thought of him as a ‘street social worker,’ or perhaps a guardian angel with invisible wings, out there teaching about resilience.

In my years as a marriage and family counselor, endless quandaries came my way. In addition to setting priorities, these quandaries included the topics of job, career, moving, starting a family, education, retirement, setting boundaries at home or at work, and taking on new adventures, among many others. Communication issues top the list. Grief processing fell into my lap right in the beginning, as an early case involved a dad with a young child coping with the tragic and unexpected death of his young wife.

My teaching experiences involved children in a variety of ages and in many different circumstances. As time went on and I continued in education, I often found that children used their own voice, spoke aloud, and expressed their questions and ideas if someone would listen. They typically displayed a positive interest in things going on around them and participated in most available activities and topics. Children need a supportive, caring environment to develop to their fullest. Even one adult in a child’s life can make all the difference. After hearing and reading enough of their stories, I made it a goal to share their words with others and started writing this book. The adults I worked with and attended graduate school with at the time expressed a strong interest in this book project. Their idea was to communicate their own stories in a way that expressed how they dealt with difficulties, made tough decisions, and improved their lives. Through their stories, they hoped to encourage others.

One goal of Voices of Resilience is to add pieces to the puzzle about how human strength and ingenuity prevail in the face of difficulties and trauma. Resilience encompasses everything from standing back up after you have been down a long time to solving a current life problem. When challenges and trauma throw you a curve ball, resilience can start with just one action that helps you put one foot in front of the other. Friends have discussed how engaging in that one action or activity, no matter how small, helped them make choices and decisions, which gradually led to improved lives. These talks helped me understand resilience as both a learnable process and a gift.

I first read about resilience through the work of Emmy E. Werner and Ruth S. Smith, researchers who conducted a long-term study about children born and raised on the island of Kauai, Hawaii. Their book is Overcoming the Odds: High Risk Children from Birth to Adulthood (Werner and Smith 1993, 198-202). They described protective factors that are important in helping an individual develop the resilience needed to rise above difficult circumstances. These protective factors include individual, inner qualities, and external supports and influences.