i wish i could...

it was so lovely, so shining
can i describe it enough?
matchless was my sweetheart!
missing somewhere in self-being
i should have let it go rough
perhaps, it was too much care!
it was the bonding, not a bondage
bouts were just the mere
everything was so dreamy
souls knew the way, but
the life defeated it miserably
i thought i will handle it well
nodding was not easier, but
obligations created a shell
i believed love is an art,
can’t be perfected, never be completed
through this endless lane, we fell apart
and one fine day
love and life reasoned
and declared to walk away

i think i have successfully created a fence between myself and my life and named it after you. i don't like anything, neither do i dislike anything - everything seems alike to me. <INSERT image5>
i spend hours together gazing at a single object, and still don’t feel tired. i struggle to live the way other human beings live. i think i have forgotten to count myself as human.

whenever i look in the mirror, i feel like covering it with a black cloth. i have no interest in seeing myself anymore. whenever i go out on the road, i feel like digging deep trenches into it and end it right there. i have no interest in dragging myself over the road.

talking to someone is another difficult task – on the inside, i wish they would come up with options from which i can choose an answer next time. i have no interest in wasting time forming sentences. this fake smile too is such a heavy thing to carry.

when i wake up, i feel a pit deepening, dark as a coal mine, within my stomach and separating my body into two exact parts. <INSERT image6>
when i look outside the window, i feel the gulmohar flowers have killed themselves and fallen to adorn the stained and dusty road.

when there is a cloudy day, i feel the sun is also feeling low just like me. a night sky without the moon reminds me once more of what i have lost.

i see less of life in everything. maybe i am trying to make myself understand the meaning of this new life. silence is the new décor of my room. i can hear the feeble sound of my breathing every moment and keep a count of it. my bed is my new address - here i sit and think about the unknown all the time. living has become just so straightforward these days. my work, my house, my food, my life - never felt like mine all these days.

the plant in the vase that you sketched for me - do you still remember, sweetheart? come and see, the flowers are thriving on it.

that red-coloured bodycon dress, which i pestered you to buy for me and motivate me to lose weight? come and see, it fits so nicely on me.

i’ve managed to form a few sentences in kannada even: “yenu madtaidiya?” (what are you doing?); “oota aaitha?” (had your food?); “wait madi” (please wait). won’t you hear me say them and clap for me, sweetheart?

that tea seller we used to stop at on the way to office? we still owe him 10-odd rupees. let’s go and pay him back sweetheart, come.