Journey Of Hope

Early On In Life In a perfect world, every girl’s first love is their earthly father. My first love has been my Heavenly Father. My first fear was my earthly father. Unfortunately, I was never acquainted with my father's good side. He stood 6'2, smokey chocolate-toned, slender built and long limbs like that of an oak tree. He inherited a root of darkness. At the time he courted my mother he learned to mask his flaws. His representative was sweet, kind, helpful and charming. Momma used to say that when he had a job, and wasn't drinking, doing drugs or stealing money from her. He had the potential of being a good provider, husband and father. My mother bit the apple of an unevenly yolked marriage. The only good it brought her was her two children. My brother Craig and I. Our father Olen was sick and broken. He was an alcoholic and abused drugs. His addictions were fed by a horrific childhood. His parents were physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive. he was labeled as the “black sheep” of the family because of his dark skin. "They say that those who provide us our greatest pleasures in life have the ability to deliver us our worst pain" - Dominic Herbst I assume my father's mistreatment was inflicted due to his complexion. In an attempt to bring silence within the home, my grandmother practiced cruel forms of punishment. Grandpa worked the night shift, and grandma made sure he got his rest under any circumstances. If my father played too loudly, or made a ruckus (as children would do), my grandmother would beat him. Once she was done with the beatings, and he was crying, she would shove him in a dark closet. When those cries escaped outside the closet door, she would pour hot water in his face, and slam the door behind her. Grandma Sanders was known to grab my father by the neck, choking the air from his toddler body, while dangling him outside of their apartment highrise window. Grandpa Sanders had his own inner demons that he unleashed in their apartment in Stateway Gardens Housing Projects. He used to molest his three daughters Karyn, Robyn and Jan. "They say that the hell that we live in is often times not with the fire burning around us. It's the fire burning in us. From the pain and the betrayal of the people that we trusted the most" - Dominick Herbst My aunt Jan discouraged my mother from bringing her children around Grandpa Sanders. My grandparents disliked my brother Craig for his similar appearance to that of our father. Craig was smokey chocolate like Daddy. I am fair skinned like my aunt, which was very desirable by my grandfather. I guess that was my aunt's way of protecting us from their mother and father's sick behavior and abuse. And when Aunt Jan was in high school, because Grandma Sanders had asthma really badly. Auntie had to stay home from school to take care of her, so she ended up graduating from school late. My father beat my mother until she gained the strength to sever the relationship. He was physically, emotionally, psychologically and economically abusive to her. I remember one disobedient day, at the age of around six, I was outside playing while my mom was working. We were living in the Projects in Block Seventeen, 13238 S. Langley is an address that I will never forget. At any rate. I saw my dad walking through the fields near the playground towards my direction. I froze and couldn't move. As he came near me, he scooped me off my feet in a hurry not to be seen. He said that I was coming with him. I found my voice and started screaming, “I don't wanna go!!! I don't wanna go!!!” as he held tightly onto my small frame. Just like he had done to my mother, his huge hand slapped me. His eyes were glossy, and he smelled of liquor, musty clothes and project dirt. Hurt from his forceful blows did not stop me from screaming, and fighting him. I tried so hard to break away, but I couldn't.... All I could do was cry and scream “I don't wanna go!!!! Let me go!!!! Help please!!!” because I knew in my heart that wherever he was trying to take me, I didn't want to be. Several neighbors witnessed what was happening. Miss Gertrude and Miss Lila came to my rescue. They forced Olen to release me. The second he put me down on the ground I was free, I ran off as if my life depended on it! Fast as my little feet could carry me to my home, and never looked back. I saw my brothers Adam, and Craig watching as I approached, too frightened to help me from the monster. They would not open the door for me, for the fear that they would allow Olen entry. I yelled at them to release the door handle from their trance. As soon as they unlocked the screen, I yanked the handle sending one falling to the floor. I ran over him like a bulldozer. Illinois Bell's line must have been hot. Someone reported my encounter to my mother at work! She was working at the University of Illinois doing security in Hyde Park. She called to see if I was safe, and once she knew that I was...boy did she let me have it. She started screaming, and hollering at me for being outside, but the worst was yet to come. I was in trouble big time, and you don't wanna be around when momma comes for you! When my mother walked through the door, and I saw her face, you could see that she meant business. She snarled at me like a Doberman Pinscher. She was merciless. I disobeyed her, therefore punishment was my consequence for my actions. She entered the home with weapon in hand. Swinging her belt like Bruce Lee. Hitting me and both my brothers. Mom was beating them for not helping me get away from Olen, and she beat me because I broke the house rules! I was to come straight home from school, go inside of the house, lock the doors, do not let anyone inside of our home, or answer the door if someone knocked on it but I stayed outside to play instead. I was traumatized by the events that took place that day. It frightened me so much that I was afraid that Olen would come beat my mother and attempt to kidnap me again. I remember Mother letting me go outside to play sometime after my father's attempt to take me. I was very fearful of him, so I ended up bringing a knife with me. Our neighbor saw me outside with it, and told my mother. My mom asked me why I had the knife and I told her that I brought it with me just in case Olen came back to get me, “I'm gonna cut him,” I told her. As I sit here reflecting back on that day I realize that anything could have happened to that little girl. I remember a story that my cousin shared about a young boy who was autistic, his mother left him in the care of his older brother while she worked. His brother was on crack which the mother wasn't aware of. He took the boy into a crack house. The big brother got high and nodded out. While he was zoned out, his little brother was severely raped. From that incident, the kid brother contracted HIV. Hearing that story brings tears to my eyes, and I am so sorry that that happened to that young boy. It made me realize that God was with me on that horrible day when my father tried to attempt to kidnap me. God was walking with me every step of the way. He wrapped His Armor of Shield around me, and was protecting me from the unknown.