Seeing It Through My Eyes

I can't remember the last time my mental health has been as good as it has been lately. My stress level has been low, I've been managing work and school really good. Here is what I haven't been managing is my thoughts they are so chaotic. That I don't even know we're to begin to understand them. Everything just seems so messed up and I can't even explain why. Everything I am writing down just doesn't feel right. Like normally I can put my thoughts into words so good. Now I have no idea what is even going on inside my head to write down. All I know is I am lost and have no one that I trust to try and talk to. Not that I would be able to do much talking. Because how can I make them understand why I am in pain when I can't even explain to myself why I am either. I just really need someone who can help me make sense of things I am feeling. I sure the hell don't know what I feel anymore. I don't worry about go in any of the things I have ever written down, but please god if you hear me, please just give me someone I can talk to, someone who won't judge me or treat me and differently after I talk to them about things. I do not want anyone to feel pity for me. I just need everyone to continue thinking I have gotten my life together and that I am one happy girl. Even though I am a girl who has grown up to fast and has forgotten how to act like a little kid. A girl who has gone through things that hurt her more then her own words can even explain. A girl who has brought herself out of such a dark place of mind that she got buried into, because she felt she had no one to talk to and most importantly that she codling feel the things she felt. Why well, because she didn't have anyone there to truly support her and her emotions. A girl who is always asked what is wrong. When she acts only a bit of, but after telling them they say "oh that doesn't even sound that bad, you are just being dramatic" and she if left thinking every time if you were in my shoes you wishing even be alive anymore, you would have already ended it. A girl who is always thinking she can't like the person she likes, because her friends always felt the need to say how they felt about the perosn themselves and for someone reason it was never good things. Who knows maybe they were jealous that she was maybe just maybe close to being even the slightest bit of happy in a relationship. In the end their opinion and what they thought about the person always mattered more then how I felt and my own opinion. A girl who only wants one person just one person out of everyone in the world she wants just one person to fully support her and her emotions about someone. Most importantly to just be happy for her that she might have found someone who will stick around and not just leave her. One person who would just listen and not feel the need to give their opinion about the situation. One person to look her in the eyes and tell her it is okay to feel the way you feel about this person as long as you are happy. That poor girl is left feeling like she will never get that one person and that she is all alone in her battle to keep fighting and staying alive. If anything that is okay, because this girl has gotten herself through so many things and will continue to all by herself and had learned that she is stronger when she is alone. This girl will always want that special someone to help her out just a little and to guide her in the right direction weather that someone is a true best friend of a person she is in a strong and healthy relationship with. A girl who is left wishing that she didn't grow up as fast as she did. A girl who learned that she was by herself in this world at the age of only 12, because that is the age she started thinking that the world was out to get her. Since that age she will continue to think that until the world gives her just the slightest bit of peace with herself and her thoughts.