JUNIOR H. CHRIST

Don’t dance with anyone over 29 We were too young to enjoy the 1970’s sexual revolution but just as it peaked, mom’s assignment ended the fun at “the most fabulous and iconic address in New York.” Ruthie got to experience famed midtown discotheque Studio 54 in the summer and fall of 1978 only in the line of duty; the two owners of that iconic night club ordered staff to stuff the nightly receipts into garbage bags to be hidden right above the kitchen ceiling tiles. Even worse, on a morning news show interview, the more brazen of the two millionaires boasted about not paying federal taxes! The IRS and DEA deserve credit for the December 14 raid that year, but if not for the investigative work by Special Agent Sternberg and her team, they may not have found the 300 quaaludes and undisclosed amount of cocaine hidden in the basement as promised by the canary singing to the feds. The FBI never corroborated a later rat’s claim that President Carter’s Chief of Staff and his entourage were looking for coke at “The Studio.” Yes, mom shared the dance floor with all the beautiful people of the late 70’s “Loving the Night Life.” Ruthie from Newark rubbed elbows (or “Boogie Shoes?”) with the Warhols, Lizas, Biancas, Jaggers, Chers, Eltons and myriad other VIPS who are now legends. Or forgotten, once their 15 minutes of fame was up. Mom’s work uniform that summer was a wavy blond wig and blue shorts that were then unfortunately referred to as hot pants, and a glittery, white, halter top. But I was more disturbed by old Mr. Grabowski across the street lewdly whistling and cat calling as Agent Sternberg in her disguise ran into our tiny, red, Volkswagen Beetle. “You fucking PERVERT!” babysitter Debbie chirped from an upstairs window, beside her a child’s middle finger aimed at the lecherous geezer. ENTRY 2Xa Patty learned that it wasn’t enough to just flip the bird when it came to school bullies. In the eighth grade he defended David Dreyfus when degenerates Tony Naso and Bobby Martin thought it would be fun to spit goobers on the back of the one known Jewish kid’s hat-less head. “Knock it off, assholes!” Terrified David probably wondered if the heroic interjection might make things worse. Plus, Patty was outnumbered. My brave middle brother pointed his finger and gave a look that said, “I don’t care how many times I get in trouble at school EITHER!” “What are YOU gonna do?” Naso challenged. I’ll shove your head up your ass! No, better I shove it up MARTIN’S Asshole! NASSHOLE!” Naso stayed back a few years, so he was not only the oldest, but also the biggest kid on the bus. Perhaps being at least in the same GRADE as Patty mitigated any embarrassment of being put in his place by a younger kid. He tried to save face by shouting at the nearest smaller kid, “the fuck YOU lookin’ at?” He swung his long, greasy, blond, hair out of his eyes shoved a cigarette into his tense lips and got off at the next stop which wasn’t even his yet. David Dreyfus was probably never more relieved to see a dirtbag’s denim jacket disappear down the road. ENTRY 2Xb Word spread quickly about what made Patty even MORE legendary after the usual bullies in the back of the bus decided to tease Matty and Patty for having different surnames. “A different last name for each dad? Is that how it works in your family?” Bobby Martin smirked. Donnie “Dirty Dog” Dalton had the nerve to insinuate how it HAD to mean that mom slept around, especially considering her late-night party attire! “C’mon dude! The way she dresses on weekends, she’s GOTTA have some wild plans. Don’t be embarrassed, she’s a good-looking woman.” Naso, who still didn’t learn his lesson, added, “does your mom work as a GoGo dancer? That’s what I heard.” Matt, who didn’t help them cheat on exams recently enough, used the hit song “YMCA” (playing on the driver’s radio) to successfully throw the nerdier and more Jewish David Dreyfus under the bus. “Hey David you must belong to the YMHA - Young Men’s HEBREW Association?” (Oy fucking Caramba, Matthew!) The deflection worked and the delinquents laughed. Everything seemed back to normal. But after each of those cowardly bullies disembarked, Patty followed right behind. As soon as the bus pulled away, Luke Patrick O’Farrell gave them a quick, thorough beat down without messing his Prince Valiant haircut. He quickly ran to all the routed stops with a swelling crowd behind him, to continue the lesson on why it’s not smart to disrespect the mysterious Ms. Sternberg in front of her middle child. Tony Naso was two years older and STILL had to fight dirty, reaching down towards the ground to toss dirt into his younger opponent’s eyes. But the nitwit grabbed mostly grass from the lawn and was soon flattened by an O’Farrell left hook, screaming something about landing on his arm. Patty rightfully saved the most savage beat down for Dalton who ended up eating more dirt than anyone playing tackle football against those creeps. The dirtbags mostly accepted their punishment without protest, but Bobby Martin who was brave enough to tap dance in front of all of Morgan years earlier, plead for mercy. “No, Patty! P-P-PLEASE! I’m sorry! I’ll never do it again! I was kidding!” He danced around his guilt and was spared by Patty in a merciful mitzvah. Paul Ravioli was lucky he didn’t ride on that junior high school bus. But by then he probably knew better. Crafty Patty never had to answer to administrative authorities because his bully beatdowns took place away from school property.