Kingdom Of The Sprayhound Kids

CHAPTER 4 - Attack Of The Killer Tortilla Chips Kids are puking everywhere. We’re in September and none of us grown-ups can figure out what is going on. A boy named Rondel heaves in the middle of the quad. Other students scatter. They don’t want to get splattered. “Get me some milk. Somebody get me some milk. My mouth is on fire,” he pleads. I see another boy bend himself face first over a trash can to relieve himself. I see a bunch of kids run into the registrar’s office. I follow the crowd. Inside there’s a girl inside rolling on the floor. She’s clutching her stomach. I’m watching where I step now. Fortunately, she made it to the wastepaper basket before heaving. “What’s your name darling.” “Amour,” she tells me. “Amour? Isn’t that French for love? This isn’t love. Amour what’s going on here.” “I just did the One Chip Challenge.” “What are you talking about? What is the One Chip Challenge?” Amour is in too much pain to answer. The principal, the assistant principal, me, and a bunch of teachers are looking at each other at a total loss for words. I see this kid, Brandon. I kind of know him. I grab him by the arm. “Brandon, stop. Why are all these kids at school sick. They just got off the buses. What on earth is going on.” Brandon looks at me like I’m a visitor from another planet. “You don’t know Mr. George,” he asks incredulously. “No I don’t.” “Today’s the One Chip Challenge.” “The One Chip Challenge. What the hell is that. You’re the second kid to tell me that.” Brandon pulls out a box from the pocket of his hoodie. I take it from him. It’s a cardboard box in the shape of a coffin. It’s made by Caliente, the American company we can thank for the diabolical tortilla chips. The chip is made with the infamous Carolina Reaper pepper. The Carolina Reaper measures at more than two million Scoville heat units. By comparison, a jalapeno pepper is in the 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. That as they say is hot as hell. No wonder kids are dropping everywhere. Caliente has a disclaimer that goes with the challenge. Keep out of reach of children. So of course, kids everywhere are going to get it. Admin has us confiscating the chips every time we see a kid with the Caliente box. But the kids don’t want to give them up. They’ve paid good money to torture themselves. The One Chip Challenge sells for $9.51 to $9.99 a box. That’s almost $10 for a single chip. How something so painful, can be so popular among America’s youth is beyond me, but apparently not them. The One Chip Challenge is right up there with any extreme sport. Eventually, Caliente pulls the chip challenge from store shelves after a 14-year-old Boston boy dies from a stroke after eating the death chip. But the thing is the chips are still out there. Some kids still break them out for special occasions. Becca, a girl who a lot of kids don’t like, is riding the bus to school. A boy near her asks if she wants the rest of his chips. “Sure why not,” she says. “Nothing like Doritos for breakfast.” What Becca doesn’t know is that there is a death chip mixed in with the few chips left in the bag. She eats a couple. Then her mouth feels like it’s on fire. Within minutes she’s having trouble breathing. The burning sensation is spreading to her throat and stomach. Her anxiety is rocketing. She runs off the bus as it pulls up to our school. She is in a panic. Her eyes tear up. She is rubbing her eyes with the hands that grabbed the chip. You’re supposed to wear rubber gloves when you handle the chip. Rubbing her eyes with her bare hands only makes things worse. “I can’t see,” she’s screaming now. “I can’t see.” Some of that Carolina Reaper pepper has gotten into her eyes. I find Becca screaming and crying on the floor of 700 Hall. I take her to the nurse who treats her. She doesn’t know the name of the kid who pranked her. Innocent school prank. Harmless fad. I don’t think so. It becomes a fad as young people everywhere break out their phones to film the mayhem, then post their sufferings on Instagram and TikTok. Got to love social media. It’s helping to create a more just and enlightened world in so many ways. The One Chip Challenge is a cultural craze. Much the way swallowing goldfish was in 1939 when a Harvard undergrad swallowed one of the scaly critters. God those Ivy League school kids are so sophisticated. Much the way streaking was in the 1970s. Young people would run across college campuses dressed in little more than their running shoes. I was never into turning my testicles into icicles, so I passed on the whole streaking fad. I love it when higher education takes us to places we’ve never been before. All I can say is, it goes to show, people have been idiots all through the ages. I guess it all depends on your definition of fun.