FULL PALETTE HUMAN

CHAPTER 1: RED – Relationships Build them. Strengthen them. Hold them dear. Without them, you’re stranded alone on a deserted island. I am a daughter, sister, mother, wife, aunt, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, a friend, colleague, social justice warrior, feminist, environmental crusader, artist, educator, administrator, advisor, mentor, business woman, etc. These are all titles which describe my relationship to various people, causes, and work. Each of these distinct relationships calls on me to communicate differently. I might talk with a prospective art client I’m showing around my studio for the first time more formally than I do to a close friend on our way to Tuesday night yoga. The common denominator in these two situations is that all relationships, whether new or old, professional or personal, are about give and take. The word relationship comes from the Latin root, relatus, from the perfect passive participle of refero which means “to carry back; to report.” At its very root, the word relationship speaks to the notion of giving back, returning, responding. When you engage in relationships of any kind, you are in a dance of communication. When you use clear communication, you have a better chance of helping these relationships thrive. What is Clear Communication? Healthy relationships, no matter if they are with a colleague, a neighbor, your parent, or your own child, are built upon the solid bedrock of clear communication. When you intentionally focus on your own experience, you can learn to honestly share your thoughts and feelings in ways in which those around you can clearly understand you. This process establishes a give-and-take; an offer and a response. When you allow yourself to be understood then you are able to be seen. When you feel seen and understood in this way, you learn to trust. When another person does the same, you establish a relationship of trust that builds a powerful reliance on one another. “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind,” says Dr. Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work who has spent her professional career studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame - all of which are powerful relationship tools. Clear communication is a critical tool in the relationship tool box. FFPI for Clear Communication So how do you communicate clearly? The answer is: Slow down. Become quiet. Listen. Good communication begins with active listening. Often, we hear each other talk, yet true listening is a skill which we have to practice together. Here are some examples of the ways in which you can practice your listening skills. “I just heard you say ______. Is that correct?” Or, “When you say ______, do you mean _____?” True communication is about listening and really hearing what the other person has to say. Then you think about those new ideas and formulate a calm and thoughtful response. Active listening and true communication take time, patience, and practice. If you want to play in the varsity game of clear communication, adopt the language of FFPI for Clear Communication. FFPI stands for fact, feeling, perception, and intention. For short, FFPI is a communication model designed to help facilitate kind, thoughtful interactions between people of all ages. When FFPI is used well, everyone involved can listen and hear what the others are thinking, feeling, and saying. Let’s unpack the words in FFPI: F: Facts are indisputable. In any situation, multiple facts may exist; however, facts cannot be debated. In this model, there are no ‘alternative facts.’ Everyone involved must agree on the same facts for clear communication to work. Sometimes just agreeing on the facts takes some time. Before moving on, you must agree on the facts. F: Feelings are energy in your body. A lump in your throat may be a feeling of anxiety. Sweaty palms may be a feeling of fear. Exhaustion may be a feeling of being overwhelmed. Feelings are your own and must be acknowledged. In any situation, you must acknowledge your own feelings because feelings are individual and personal. Each person has their own feelings and they are your own to experience because they are happening in your body.P: Perceptions are how you interpret the facts. Perceptions are like your own personal assumptions. Unlike facts, and more like feelings, perceptions are unique and personal. I: Intention is the action plan or how you hope to move forward. Intentions are like goals. The order of FFPI is important, though the F and the F can swap locations. I have had great debates with my colleagues about whether or not facts come before feelings or vice versa. Regardless of the order of F or F, those two must come before P and, lastly, I. When you commit to using this form of clear communication in a sentence, FFPI sounds like the following: “I feel_____, when_____ because _____ and so_____.” Here is an example of FFPI for Clear Communication in action: “I feel blessed (my feeling) that you are reading my book (fact) because I think you might gain some helpful insights (perception) and so I hope that you will share this book with a friend (intention).” I strongly suggest that you practice FFPI when the stakes are low and the message is a positive one as in the last example. However, when the stakes are high and potentially challenging, FFPI is most useful!