Yes Queen, Straighten Your Crown!

“Never betray yourself to fit in for what others want you to be.” – Brene Brown One would think that going through gray divorce is the end of it all. But as I travelled along my divorce journey my spiritual journey began to unfold. It is difficult to see the rewards we will reap when we come back into the light, and we will get there. I was in a dark place as the thread of my marriage began to fray and I clung to anything I could learn from that would lift me up and support me. I stopped reading fiction and started reading about healing and connecting with the Universe, Source, God, The Almighty – whatever you call it. Nonetheless, because we have no control over what our spouse will do, some shit hits the fan and it hurts as it’s whipping its way to you. It becomes an unwanted challenge and we can lose ourselves. I am an expert in this because I’ve gone through it. It threw me into tilt and it wasn’t pretty and I hurt a lot of people along the way. I will say however, while I received love, I didn’t feel that I received a lot of understanding and grace and I think that has lot to do with the stigma that still surrounds divorce. Many do not understand that unless your parting of ways is agreeable and amicable, which the majority are not, going through a divorce is traumatic. So few dare acknowledge the “T” word and no, Chapter T is not about trauma but the trauma needs to be recognized. Our society is so focused on the “sorry” of it all that very few see the trauma that either or both are enduring. Good marriages, admirable marriages, not so great marriages are always revered and respected. But divorce, not so much. Even my interpretation of how my loving sons dealt with it created a chasm between us and that’s a big pill to swallow and major lesson learned. The best way to come around that is an open, honest line of communication especially, if our children are young adults. I spent so much time protecting them that I began to suffer in silence and alcohol, and eventually it all blew up on me. One day I finally realized that while I was trying so hard to protect my boys and my ex, that the only one suffering was me. The blow up wasn’t pretty, but it needed to occur for me to begin my healing. The term it’s darkest before the dawn is real. For over 7 years I unnecessarily struggled emotionally and financially and then poof, it was over. In a nanosecond I went from not being able to pursue a better paying job to freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted to do! I had to stay in a low paying job because my spouse wanted to collect alimony from me. I entered back into the workforce after raising our family so, while I looked pretty good and credentialed on paper, I lost many years of work experience and social security benefits. He, however, did not see it this way. You will read about my childhood friend telling me how horrible the divorce process is and my response was that would not be me. But the variable was how my spouse responded to the process and he proved her right. I endured many years of him unnecessarily dragging it out. I needed the proverbial bleed to stop. Finally, the day came when his attorney realized they were attempting to extract blood from a stone. My paltry income became my savior and the settlement was reached in a rush of time. The Settlement Agreement was disgraceful and no reflection of the first beautiful 10 years of marriage and the family we created but merely a soulless reflection of anger, pettiness and ugliness. The settlement came swiftly and with duress, and as that unfolded I went into the dark night of the soul, just a few days before my boys would be home from college for the summer. Everything happens in God’s divine time and order. We don’t see it as we are going through it but there is a plan and order to everything no matter how painful. In You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay she wrote about releasing old patterns, whatever the situation is, it seems to get worse for a while. She goes on to claim that this is not a bad thing because what we are working on is releasing, and beginning to move. At the time, I didn’t realize the momentum was shifting and swiftly approaching the end I had been praying for, begging for. Reiterating the darkness before the dawn, this I can say is true because I have lived this. The process may be traumatic and understand it as you would any other unanticipated trauma. We know that stress increases Cortisol, literally the stress hormone. I had been in stress mode for the past seven years but more so, more high intensity stress the past four years while packing up the family home of 25 years, moving, husband cutting me off financially and stopping all communication with me, the divorce process. Dr. Mindy Pelz, author of Fast Like a Girl, talks about the negative effects increased Cortisol wreaks in the female body. Fortunately, my spiritual practice brought me to ground myself and I did it to soothe and rescue my mind and body which you will read about in the following pages. It is so important to recognize that saving yourself first and truly believing that this will be done. You will survive, stronger, freer and with a fresh new life where you, and only you, are in control. You’re not too old, don’t be scared and never live in fear because whatever it is you’re negatively thinking about is just a made up story in your head that does not exist.