The Perils of Privilege

Looking around the room to make sure I had everything I had brought with me, I spotted an envelope lying on the floor in the corner. Even though it didn't look familiar, I assumed it belonged to me since I didn't recall seeing it earlier. Laying the stuff in my arms on the table, I walked over, picked up the envelope, and examined it closely. Discovering that it had nothing written on the outside, I sat back down at the table and carefully removed its contents. I had only pulled it halfway out when I began to smile, having solved the mystery. The envelope contained Ms. Spears' copy of her signed contract. I recalled Ms. Norton mentioning that her primary reason for stopping by was to pick up her copy with the added clause. The document must have slipped from her bag when it fell to the floor earlier. My first instinct was to run after her. However, it had been several minutes since she left, and there was little chance she would still be waiting by the elevator. So, I carefully stuffed the document back into the envelope, planning to drop it off with Laura on the way to my cubicle. I was about to stand when it occurred to me that I had been given a golden opportunity to review a fully executed Watson Advertising contract, not just a blank copy of the standard issue. I also knew that this one had an added clause. Besides, this was the contract I would be responsible for implementing, and I saw no harm in taking a closer look at it. So, I quickly removed the document from the envelope and began leisurely thumbing through the pages. Knowing I would find any added clauses at the end, I skipped to the last page. I immediately recognized the final clause as the one I had discussed with Ms. Norton earlier. Then I saw just above it another added clause which, upon closer examination, proved far more interesting to me than the one I had just read--one Ms. Norton had neglected to mention in her discussions with me. Sitting in the small room fuming, I read the concisely written sentences of the first clause several times, unable to pull my eyes away from the page. As I continued to stare at the words, they became blurry as tears of anger flowed down my face. After a few minutes of sitting in stunned silence, I wiped my face dry with my bare hands and returned my eyes to the page. I finally held the definitive answer to the one overriding question I had been pondering since Ms. Norton gave me the assignment. I now knew why I had received my unexpected opportunity to show what I could do. Contrary to what she had told me earlier, my promotion was not a result of my outstanding work performance or my brilliantly conceived presentation. It was because I am an African American. Time seemed to stand still for me as I sat, squeezing the document between my fingers. In black and white, I could clearly see that Ms. Norton had acquiesced to Ms. Spears's demand that an African American be assigned to manage her account. Staring at the words on the page and hoping I had somehow repeatedly read them wrong, I became increasingly furious. My coming upon these few words I was never meant to see made a lie out of everything Ms. Norton had said about why I had been given this fantastic opportunity. How else was I to understand what she had done? This revelation was the most consequential thing I ever faced in my young life. Although I didn't deserve it, I was being forced to question everything Ms. Norton had led me to believe about why she singled me out. I could no longer take for granted that she considered me competent or even adequate at my job. For all I knew, my level of competence had not mattered at all in making her decision. What about her description of my presentation as truly remarkable? Did she mean any of it? What about the other people who told me my presentation was good? Could I trust what anyone who worked for her had to say? As far as I knew, they had all felt obliged to give me empty compliments to appease her after her grand show of enthusiasm, leaping to her feet as she did after I presented. At that moment, I could easily believe that Ms. Norton chose me because she considered me the most gullible of all the African Americans working in the firm. And her praise for my presentation would have happened if I had stood at that podium and read from a telephone book. In all my life, I had never had anything happen to me to shake my confidence in myself so profoundly. How could I look at myself again as the bright and competent young man who excelled academically and succeeded beyond expectations in everything else I had done in my life so far? How was I to redeem myself for allowing myself to be used as pawn in a scheme in a way I could never have imagined?