Teenagers: What They Need From Us

Parenting is an immersive experience that requires you to be fully present and intentionally engaged. Otherwise, parenting will simply happen to you. No one is ever fully prepared to become a parent. I don’t care how many books you’ve read, classes you’ve taken, or videos you’ve watched, nothing can truly prepare you for the roller-coaster living you are about to enter and can never fully get off. And while you are on this ride, there will be moments when you desperately want it to stop. But instead of fighting every twist and turn, learn to enjoy the moments. Enjoy the drastic changes, the messy hair, the unexpected conversations, and the exhilarating opportunity to become the ultimate role model for your teen. Parenting can be a loaded word. For some, it brings warmth and beautiful memories. For others, it stirs emotions they were not prepared to face and perhaps didn’t even realize were still there. Either way, becoming a parent changes you. It stretches you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally in ways nothing else can. Parenting a teenager, however, is a completely different level of demanding. You will use every communication skill you have, and many you wish you had learned earlier. Parenting teens will test your patience, your flexibility, your consistency, and definitely your sense of humor. Surprisingly, though, it will also develop strengths in you that you didn’t know existed. Because if you don’t learn flexibility during the teenage years, you’ll probably break. At the same time, this season also opens the door to conversations that are meaningful, relevant, uncomfortable, taboo, and sometimes deeply challenging. These discussions matter because they help shape the ideas, beliefs, and identity your teenager is forming in real time. Think back to when you first brought your child home. Most parents are overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of simply keeping this tiny human alive. Suddenly, your entire life revolves around feeding schedules, sleeping patterns, diaper changes, developmental milestones, and trying to function on little sleep while pretending you know what you’re doing. You downloaded apps to track feeding times, pooping patterns, sleeping hours, and developmental skills. Your whole world became transfixed by this new defenseless person who had absolutely no control over their emotions and seemed capable of turning every inconvenience into a full emotional crisis. Then, just when you finally start figuring things out, the rules change again. Once your child learns to walk and talk, you enter a new phase focused on keeping them safe, entertained, supervised, and emotionally regulated. Every stage requires new adjustments, new energy, and new levels of patience. The process of becoming a teenager is gradual, but somehow it still feels like it happened overnight. One moment everything seems manageable. You’ve established routines, rules, responsibilities, schedules, and expectations. Everyone in the house has assigned tasks, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher, feeding the pets, and life has some level of predictability. Then suddenly, your child changes. They are no longer completely dependent on you. They now have opinions, preferences, schedules, emotions, social lives, and ideas about how things “should” be done. The child who once followed directions without much resistance now negotiates everything like an attorney preparing for trial. Now your teen is moody, emotionally unpredictable, deeply influenced by friends, and seemingly uninterested in spending time with you. The people who once thought you were the greatest human alive now respond with one-word answers and closed bedroom doors. And the worst part? There’s no parenting app for this stage. Even though this teenager clearly resembles you physically, there are moments when you honestly wonder who this person is. But here’s the good news: you have actually been preparing for this stage all along. Deep down, you do want a teenager who is becoming self-sufficient, honest, emotionally healthy, capable of individuality, and passionate about their future. You want to launch your teen into adulthood with skills and competencies that will last a lifetime. You want them to become someone who can contribute positively to society, think independently, build healthy relationships, and stand confidently in their values. Getting to this stage requires years of intentional work. It did not happen by accident. Your involvement, sacrifices, discipline, consistency, and adjustments throughout your child’s life have all contributed to shaping the person standing in front of you today. You have been building more than a child who behaves. You have been developing an individual. Now, at this point, some parents may be thinking: Wow… I haven’t done half of these things, and honestly, I don’t know if I have the energy or time to start now. But perhaps the better question is this: What changes can I begin making now that will help my teenager succeed while allowing both of us to survive this stage with the least amount of unnecessary trauma and heartache? One of the biggest struggles I see is that many parents enter the adolescent years using assumptions and parenting methods that worked during childhood. They expect the teenager to respond the same way the younger child did. One common assumption is dependency. You had a dependent child who needed you to complete many tasks and needed continuous directions to complete chores. If you are expecting your teen to come and ask questions, you'll be waiting for a long time. Teenagers are known for exhibiting independent behaviors. You do need to be available for the small portion of life where you are still needed, but adolescence changes the entire relational dynamic. This is where many families begin to struggle. When parents continue treating teenagers like small children without equipping them with the emotional, relational, and practical tools needed for adulthood, both the family and society eventually suffer the consequences.