FLOW INTO GIRL
POEMS & WRITINGS: Discovering Me on the Other Side of Transition
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I have written many poems now, and everyone of them is my heart and soul leaking out. Every poem is written with the real emotions I was having at the moment of the writing, and the real events and feeling that caused me to put those complex and intimate words down to share. I share my writings so that others might understand, or get a glimpse into the social challenges of wanting to be, and becoming a transgender woman. The poem "Fantasy" is such a poem. FANTASY Fantasy…I live for it … I lived for it … Fantasy That was all I had for sixty-plus years I was a girl in so many dreams; from early…early on I would be whomever I could fantasize I would do the limits of the dream: Fantasy The purity of a little girl’s dreams: wanting to take ballet Practicing silently alone … Sitting in a circle of girls Embroidery and pot holders; I was as they: Fantasy I was not a little boy, I was a little girl; often, a girl too real Being punished because you have a dream; one not understood As not-allowed … Except in Fantasy Hide the fantasy away, no longer share the joy Of a dream wished true, but not; live a silent and secret life A girl … No one can see … No one can be trusted With even a hint of my true me; me in Fantasy Spoken: immediately thrown back in my face Spending so much time only within my mind The only place I can be, be me…a girl … I never gave up There was nothing in my mind to change … I am a girl In my mind, my heart, my sense of love: Hidden … Fantasy Past puberty, into adulthood, The fantasy stayed true To a child’s belief in love, to the girl I hid for so long Never wanted less than to be … a pretty and happy girl A good girl … Fantasy … Secret vacations alone A room above the eighteenth floor: let the fantasy leak out Wear a short skirt, wear a dress, put a pair of panties to a test Throw them all away … Return to a yesterday … Fantasy Forty years I presented to you someone you thought you knew There was no avenue to “out” to the world I lived and loved in only my mind I couldn’t be a girlfriend, because everyone saw a man Fantasy … How valuable is one’s fantasy A fantasy held life-long … How powerful is the fantasy’s flame Not parents, not hardship, not fear Nothing could put out that flame To be a girl in the simplest of dreams; it never left child’s play Still to this day, I just want to be a girl … Fantasy To be a girl at seventy-two, leaves very few fantasies left to do I want so much to really live a few of my earlier fantasies It’s too late to go to a prom, it’s too late to become a mom It’s too late to look forward to a long life … As someone’s wife Fantasy … It is a good thing I practiced fantasy my whole life Only in fantasy can so much I missed still be felt as true No matter what I do as a girl, the fantasy element of the rest of my life will continue to comfort me I am a girl now … Kind people say: No Dear, you are a woman I am not sorry to say … The woman you see is not that different then the man you saw so many years ago The girl I wanted to be is still here, still in my mind She still dances on light – light toes, she is pretty, her voice is sweet, she wears short skirts, and her waist is thin She still dreams of love … Fantasy This is the only part of my life that rings clear and true The part of me I hid from you … I am not hidden any more I am that girl for all to see, a “woman” to all except for me I have to take care in selecting what fantasies can come to be What does one do between seventy-two and death I don’t know … I will put that challenge to the test So much of the girl I always was, always wanted to be Is now available to me … Only in fantasy The few things I can still do, I will do with great joy … But Whenever you see me, just know There is a little girl in front of you, dancing in her mind Fantasy
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To sit and dream for the freedom to choose my gender To choose a path to how you feel. To dream of wearing a pretty dress So, I can be pretty too, just like the other little girls ********* I spent my life not being me I spent my life as a “he”, in a world of men I was not a “he”, I was always secretly a “she” all along But I couldn’t do anything as a “she” without fear *********** It has been two years since Lukcia Patricia Sullivan published her first book of poetry, and she has spent that time learning who she is as a woman. Lukcia didn’t know who Lukcia was, she was never allowed to truly meet her hidden self, and now she wakes up every day to discover a little more about Lukcia the woman. In a new collection of poems and essays, she explores the journey of learning the finer details of her female authenticity. This collection of poems captures the struggles of integrating into society as a transgender woman standing on the outside of most social gatherings. As Lukcia sought to become “one of the girls” in a group of cis-women, to exploring possible intimate relationships with men; she bravely stepped into her new life within her greater community. She confronts misogyny directed her way as a transgender woman, while being selectively isolated from cis-women social environments. Lukcia clearly states that she is a woman now, and see herself as on the spectrum of woman; as all women cis or trans are.
About the Author
Lukcia Patricia Sullivan is a retired military officer, federal law enforcement agent, and veterinarian. She spent sixty-seven years successfully feigning being a man, the whole time wishing she was a woman. Lukcia transition to be a woman six years ago, and is euphoric in her new life